Helm's Deep
by LotRComedy
Summary: A Comedy version of the scene from Helm's Deep, based on the film.


**Helm's Deep**

Arrows whizzed from the tops of the walls into the charging Uruk lines at Aragorn's command. Several crossbowmen stood solidly at the bottom of the high stone walls though, and returned fire, slaying some of the defenders.

Ladders started to be raised, and at another of Aragorn's screeched orders, the warriors dropped their bows and drew their swords, awaiting the oncoming hordes. The first orc to leapt on the battlement sidled over to Aragorn and put his arm around his shoulders; his breath reeked of meat and large amounts of alcohol.

"Sho, I shays to Sharuman, I shays, I'm not goin' over thoshe wallsh until you pay me more," he said, desperately trying to keep his balance.

Raising an eyebrow, Aragorn poked the orc in the chest and watched in earnest as he toppled from the walls back into the army below.

However, Legolas was having much more difficulty; many uruks had surrounded him and were all desperately trying to steal his wallet. The nearest one was wearing a hoody.

"Give us yer money before I busts yer up, elf-dawg!"

Even as they ran for him, Legolas cowered, but didn't feel the crushing sensation of five ASBO-collecting orcs, and raised his eyes to the most worrying sight he'd seen in a while: SuperGimli!

It was just Gimli wearing a cape, but for some reason, he'd developed the ability to fly.

"I didn't know I could do this!" he called, as he kicked an Uruk-hai over in mid-flight.

"You can't," came Legolas' reply.

As in cartoons, when characters can walk on air if they don't look down, it was much the same for Gimli; he could fly if no-one told him he couldn't. However, Legolas had broken this unspoken vow, and send Gimli crashing down in the Deeping Wall. The dwarf struggled upright, muttering oaths about the elf's family, and used his cloak to bull-fight the orcs.

Back at the Hornburg, Théoden looked smug as he ate popcorn, lent back in his deckchair, put his feet on the wall and watched the battle. "Is this all you can conjure, Saruman?" he mocked.

His aide came over to him, a clipboard in his hand. "Theddy, baby, you've never heard of tempting fate?"

"Tempting who?"

"You know, darling; when you say something won't happen then it will?"

"Oh yeah, I heard about that," said Théoden, his attention fixed on a particularly small orc in a skirt kissing one of the defenders.

"Well, considering we're in a huge battle where we could be killed any minute, don't you think it'd be safer to keep your trap shut, Your Highness?"

But Théoden wasn't listening. The orc and the defender were getting slightly more intimate, and the king spilled popcorn over himself straining for a better look. The aide turned away in disgust.

Outside the walls, the Uruks were getting annoyed. "We've tried hitting them, shouting at them, head-butting them, climbing them, kissing them, breathing on them, stabbing them, chainsawing them and pouring acid over them, but these damned walls just won't fall over!" said one to his boss.

The commander snarled and made a complex sign with his hand, sending an order to another section of the army. Several came now, carrying contraptions made in Saruman's basement; huge spiky balls filled with black powder that made you sneeze if you came too close. The army still had no idea what they were for, but they'd had an interesting experience when one tried to break one of the spherical objects open with a pickaxe – the uruk in question was now orbiting Saturn.

They carried several over to a grate under the wall. "What're planning to use them for?" one asked.

"No idea," replied another, using the side of one of the metal balls to strike a match for his cigarette.

The explosion was tremendous.

At the main gate, more Uruk-hai had made a tortoise with their shields and began marching up the causeway. As they reached the wooden doors, they parted, and out came six of them, carrying Saruman.

Aragorn landed with a watery thud as he landed after being blown up on the wall. Miraculously unharmed, he thanked the fact that he was a main character and wouldn't die easily. As he turned, at least thirty orcs were trying to force their way over to him to mug him. But, just as Aragorn was about to unleash a huge magical spell of devastating power that would've killed the entire army attacking them and caused Sauron to implode, Gimli jumped off the wall, and, failing to land where he had aimed, which was in the midst of the orcs, he landed on Aragorn with a sickening crack.

Luckily, Legolas was in the vicinity, and picked up Gimli (which was no mean feat) and hurled him in the direction of the main gate like a shot-put. "Do something useful," he bellowed. "Barricade that door!"

As the orcs smashed Saruman's head into the door, they heard the wizard squeal in pain.

"Ouch!" he said, in surprisingly high-pitched voice. "Stop it!"

"Look pal," said one of the orcs carrying him, "You wouldn't buy us a new battering ram, so we've had to improvise!"

The sound of Saruman's squealing filled the air as they tried again and again to break down the door.

Aragorn fought with all his skill (which wasn't much) with Legolas. They indulged in conversation as they slew those around them with disturbing ease.

"Evening,"

"Evening!" replied Legs. They continued to chat as they fought. Aragorn lit his pipe.

"Out of interest," said Aragorn, taking a huge puff on his pipe as he kicked an orc in the teeth, "How come they can't get through the main gate?"

Legolas replied without really caring about the fact he'd just killed an elf by accident. "Gimli's leaning against it."

"Ah. Makes sense."

However, the number of orcs streaming through the hole in the wall were becoming overwhelming. Haldir was still fighting on the top of the walls, even though Théoden had specifically said that he wasn't allowed to come; the elves never helped out in the book, but Peter Jackson let them. And why would Theds want to be _anything_ like Jackson?

"Haldir!" yelled Aragorn, "Pull back to the Keep!"

"Sorry, what?" called back Haldir, cupping a hand to his ear. He was slightly deaf.

"Pull back to the Keep!"

"What?"

"Pull – Back!"

"Fall back?" he said, frowning. "Okay." And he toppled off the wall and landed with a sickening thud on the floor. Aragorn grimaced, but for no reason (other than it was in the script), ran up the steps nearby in slow-motion, killing orcs on the way. He then launched himself off the battlements and plummeted into the Uruk army, narrowly avoiding several pikes. He then legged it over the the main gate.

"What the hell was the point of that?" yelled an orc nearby, feasting on roasted elf with chicken flambé sauce.

At the main doors, Théoden had managed to tear himself away from the orc with the skirt (who was now with him wherever he went) and was dramatically ordering his men around. Aragorn arrived, doing a little prance as he threw a daisy-chain around Théoden's neck.

"How long do you need?" asked the King.

"As long as you can give me," replied Aragorn, throwing Gimli down a side passage to a secret door. As he moved, the door gave slightly under the thud of the now-unconscious Saruman's head.

"Hold the door!" screamed Théoden.

The Rohan warriors moved forwards and grasped hold of the side of the door.

"No..." said the King, his head in his hands. "Not like that..."

Outside, Gimli and Aragorn moved silently towards the Causeway, now filled with orcs.

"Good," said the Dwarf. "They don't know we're coming!"

"Hey, look!" called an orc. "They're coming!"

"Aragorn looked at the gap and whistled. "It's a long way," he said.

"Oh," replied Gimli. He looked sheepishly at the floor. "You'll have to toss me."

Aragorn recoiled in horror. "What did you just say?!"

"No, no! I mean throw me!" said the dwarf, hastily correcting his mistake.

Aragorn grabbed Gimli's jacket and made to chuck him.

"Wait!" said Gimli. "Don't tell the elf!"

"What, tell him I tossed you? Are you nuts?"

And with that, Aragorn hurled the dwarf onto the Causeway and followed. They began killing orcs as they gave the warriors time to re-barricade the door. But even as they fought, the orcs were overwhelming them once more.

"Aragorn!" called Théoden from a small gap in the door (the keyhole) "Get out of there!"

"Wait, Théoden, don't leave me!" came Aragorn's plea. But the King was already locked in a passionate kiss with his orc friend, and they were making their way back to the Great Hall.

As if by some amazing consequence, a rope fell by Aragorn. He grabbed Gimli and jumped onto the rope. Legolas, who had thrown it, immediately fell flat on his face with added weight. "Lose the Dwarf!" he yelled. "Lose the Dwarf!"

Aragorn dropped Gimli (gratefully) and had himself hoisted up to the battlements, where he and the elf headed back to the Great Hall. As they entered, and the doors were barricaded behind them, they saw Gimli standing there. "Don't ask how I got here," he said, with sheepish looks towards the orc in the skirt.

But almost immediately, the sound of Saruman's head bashing on the doors was heard. There was a deathly silence in the hall as they heard the sounds of impending doom; Saruman had woken up.

"Ow! Ouch! Stop it!"

"All is lost," said Théoden, clutching a teddy bear and sucking his thumb. "We're all going to die!"

"There is one last hope," said Aragorn. "Ride out with me."

"Do you really think we'd win? That'd be suicide!"

"But we'd take a lot of them with us."

"Wouldn't that be just like being a masochist? Killing people because you know you're going to die yourself?"

"If that was true, everyone'd be masochists."

"No, not exactly. You see..." Further discussion on this delicate topic was forestalled as the doors crashed inwards. Aragorn screamed and ran around in circles before performing a stunning double back-flip to land on his horse, although he was facing the wrong way. Théoden, who was now mounted (NOT by the orc, you sick people!) heard the Horn of Helm sound; although there was a slight difference. It was higher pitched and there was an awful smell around. "Sorry," said Gimli, who had been eating beans.

"Forth, Éorlingas!" cried the King, and they rode out, through the Hornburg, down the Causeway and out into the sea of Uruk-hai. Even as they fought, Aragorn looked up from his attempts to get the right way on his horse to see Gandalf at the top of a hill.

Gandalf looked down on the battle, with two thousand Rohan riders at his back. "Let us ride to victory!" he cried, and pulled from his robes his pipe, full to the brim with cannabis, and took a huge puff. He then thundered down the hill on Shadowfax, his hobby-horse, screaming and shouting random things. The Rides looked on in horror; Gandalf was the only one charging. As he hit the orc line, one decided to stick it's foot out and trip him over. Gandalf thudded to the ground, but was on his feet in seconds, and had belted the orc around the head with his hobby-horse. "No-one makes a mockery of Gandalf the White!"

And with that, he unleashed a power only used by Istari under the effect of Class-C drugs; half the orcs were vaporised, along with many of the defenders, and the rest ran squealing home to their mothers, who tucked them into bed with a warm cup of cocoa and told them never to go fighting again. Gandalf was victorious!


End file.
